Today in Sports news, a coach and presumably a father of one of the midgets football players showed a voluntary referee who was boss after sucker punching him in the face. This follows a long line of sucker punches by sports fans who constantly prove that their daddy can beat up yours when your daddy is not looking.
This undoubtedly will make all parents want to send their young kids to practice and play in a simulated combat environment ripe with commercial tag lines, motivational speeches and references to war or battle by a group of couch sitting armchair quarterback geniuses.
Of course, this is the highest form of moral character because it involves kids and sports, the lifeblood of America. There are many virtuous, intoxicated and crazy obsessed sports fans all over the country who are also stepping up their game in these tough times. These people are easily identifiable because they wear the name of another man on their backs, likely because in between looking as massive amounts of porn, they like to follow the super athletes on sports forums and drop crazy knowledge to all showing that they are able to waste their time being non productive better than anyone else.
How can you be one of these people?
Well, it’s easy. First pick a team. This can be based on where you grew up, what athletes appeal to your homo tendencies or the colors of their jerseys. Next, buy one or several jersey’s with the name of an athlete on back. Some teams will have multiple colors of jersey’s. Don’t be confused, this is for marketing purposes, so just buy them all like a good boy this will be great for your sports rep. This will draw attention wherever you go. It is suggested you go to a bar or sporting event so you get the most attention possible. Be prepared for artificial, slobbering banter with other mind controlled sad people. It is essential you drop four letter words, references to a persons mom you never met and stock up on an endless supply of stats dating back multiple generations.
When attending corporate sponsored sporting events, yell at the people wearing different colored jersey’s. Tell them that they suck. This is very important. If they respond, be sure your response to their response is even louder. If they strut their feathers, this is a sign of dominance. This is not allowed on your turf, so strut back. If they don’t back down or if they continue to try to incoherently yell louder than you incoherently yell, it may be time for a sucker punch. Make sure you punch him when he’s not really paying attention, this seems to gain most respect from others wearing the same colored jersey’s.
Drink lots of beer and hard alcohol so you are black out drunk by the end of a game. This is very important and will be great for laughs on the next saturday or sunday your friends gather together and talk about how stupid they behaved and how fun it will be to do it again. If a friend tells you that you took it too far tell them “Dude, I was black out drunk I don’t even remember” and all will be forgiven.
If there are kids sitting near you at games, act completely oblivious to this fact and continue to curse, scream and make everyone around you incredibly uncomfortable. If there are fans of an opposing team near you, get in nonsensical arguments with them. This will cause confusion for everyone, including yourself and ultimately that is what makes sense at these events.
If your kid is with you and gets scared or starts crying, tell them it will be ok. Tell them it could be worse, we are free and thank god for the troops. And this reminds me, at the beginning of every game take off your hat, hold it over your heart and sing the national anthem. The more patriotic looking the better. If fighter jets fly overhead after the anthem, this is a reminder of how powerless you truly are, so get on your hands and knees and pray to god.
Love the corporate sponsors. It does not matter what the product is, if LeBron James is hyping it and you really love LeBron, it is your duty as a loyalist to use that product while wearing his jersey. This will get you crazy rep. For example, one of his sponsors is McDonalds. Maybe it bothers you that he supports an organization that advertises towards kids, sells them unhealthy food through toys and other bribes and then claim to help kids through charity. Maybe not. It does not matter. Wear the jersey, go to McDonalds and tell everyone how good it is to be King.
If your team wins, smile the rest of the night. Walk up to fans of other teams and make hand signs that represent your team. Make a fist with one hand and pound on your chest and make the number one sign pointed to the heavens. God cares about sports so thank him for every victory.
If your team loses, be devestated. If opposing fans try to flash their hand signs at you or even try to talk to you, tell them to F@$# off. If they continue, fight. Fight as if someone was trying to steal your last morsel of water during a month long drought. Fight as if it actually mattered, as if this game actually has real meaning. Fight, don’t think. Drive home drunk.
The next morning get online and troll opposing fans through comment sections of blogs and forums. If your team won, be overjoyed and optimistic. If your team lost, be negative and hopeless. Whatever you do, don’t go outside and connect with those around you. This is pointless and won’t do anything to help your team get better for the next big game.
It is ultimately your responsibility to be the most drunk, rude and loud fan at every game. If you don’t live up to this you’ve failed.
If you have kids, indoctrinate them as much as possible. They must be interested in sports, especially if your kid is a boy. If your kid is not a boy, keep reproducing until you get a boy because you need a boy so you can obsessively follow his sports career until he graduates high school and can obsessively follow a corporate sports franchise just like you. This is what being a proud father is all about. If you only have girls, the world is not over, just make sure they marry people with an allegiance to the same team. This way you still have hope for grandkids.
Most importantly of all, remember that this is what is important in life. Tell people you don’t care about the economy, legal system or various injustices around the world. Tell them you don’t have time for philosophy, local music or long lasting meaningful relationships. Your team needs you. And they have a game coming up. It is your duty to work 9 to 5, 5 days a week so you can get crazy drunk on the weekends while rooting for a team full of players and coaches you’ve never met simulating combat. This is what is fun in life and that’s the American way. Support the team, support America and pray to your god that it will all be ok.
Oh crap, did we forget to discuss fantasy football? That, my dreamers, will be for another day.
Editors NOTE:
I used to be a sports nut. The last few years my enthusiasm has decreased. A year ago I went to an Ohio State/Miami game in South Florida. I was disgusted by fan behavior, non stop cursing around kids and a fight at the end of the game right next to where I was sitting. I did not record it but that experience lead to me finally making this video encapsulating my thoughts about sports and people who get emotional about a game or team. I can’t help but think there are former fanatics across the country, like me, who are moving onto better things.
When did sports die for you?
